So I recently put myself into the most stressful time of my life. I've done and said things with my girlfriend of only 3 months and her mother found out absolutely all of it. She told almost half of her family and forbid me from seeing her or talking to her. I was extremely close to my girlfriends family including her brothers, sisters and mom. It feels like I betrayed them all, I can't even look them into the face anymore - her brother was one of my great friends and I back stabbed him. He goes to my school as well. Now I cannot see her or talk to her until the next school year when she goes to my school .. We have been caught trying to contact each other numerous times. My family continues to ask me about her . Little do they know I tell them lies saying she is grounded or cutting the conversation short and changing it. When I thought it couldn't get any worse my close friends are beginning to drift away from me and I haven't a clue of what I have done. I destroyed the best relationships of my life and the out look is going downhill. I have to live every day of this summer break knowing it could have been so many times better. I regret it all. This feeling is worst then guilt.
But can there still be hope ? My girlfriend's mom says if I wait for my girlfriend until the next school year (which I am currently doing) then she will know I am serious about loving her. Can I really gain someones trust back after demoralizing their daughter?
I'm not here to cry and whine about my life, but just coming to seek wisdom from one of the best community of persons I know. So let me ask you this question:
What would you do?
Ummm, how old are you?
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 03, 2012, 10:40:26 AM
Ummm, how old are you?
Based off his Forum profile data, 16.
Well if your serious about this girl and want to be with her, do exactly what her mum says as you stated you are currently doing.
There isnt much else you can do, appologies only get you so far. Action speak louder than words.
I would carry on trying to talk to her so she doesnt feel like you;'ve forgotten or moved on from it.
As for your friends, we all driff apart, its a part of life. Try having a 'get together' with your friends and do something that you used to do with them, like going to the cinema etc.
When I moved out of my parents to live with my girlfriend I lost some close friends but made new ones and I have recently starting talking to them over FaceBook and MSN so all is not lost for you.
As you can see i'm not the best at these sort of things but I hope everything works out for the best, and good luck!
Although most people don't realize it until it's too late, everything a parent does is intended to aid their child.
From what it sounds like, the gf's mother really does love her daughter, and doesn't want her to get hurt. She wouldn't lie to you by saying that, just to go back on her words after the summer. Just do what she says and wait it out, and then you two (three?) will probably sort it out and get it done peacefully, and probably mend your relationship with your gf's family.
Friends drift away naturally, it's just what happens over time. Some people who you think will be with you for the rest of your life you'll probably never hear from again in the future, and some people who you've never ever talked to will become your best friends. Again, time pretty much the head honcho running life, and there isn't much you can do except hold on for the ride.
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 03, 2012, 10:40:26 AM
Ummm, how old are you?
Yes, I am 16 years old, and you didn't answer my question lol. Okay yeah, I am young and I have the rest of my life ahead of me and I don't even need to be worrying about these things right now. However, given I had some of the best and happiest relationships of my life, I'm not just going to throw them away now. Also, I know what you're thinking; you're only 16 years old, you don't even know what love is! Haha well you're just going to have to take my word on it when I say I do.. let me worry about that. I'm just looking for some advice (:
Quote from: Tyco-RC on July 03, 2012, 11:43:20 AM
As you can see i'm not the best at these sort of things but I hope everything works out for the best, and good luck!
Aha every little bit counts Tyco , thank you (:
Quote from: EpicPhailure on July 03, 2012, 06:25:48 PM
Although most people don't realize it until it's too late, everything a parent does is intended to aid their child.
Wise words buddy (: glad your still around to help me out when I need it EP.
No problem man :)
Well the answer could possibly change my response.. When you said 'when we go to the same school next year', it made me think you're in middle school going into high school, in which case I would've had a slightly rude response.. :D
But yea, like everyone else said, Wait it out, try to remain friends, if her mom sees you're actually serious about her daughter then she would probably keep her word, or maybe even forgive you sooner. Of course this is all said without knowing the severity of these "things" that you said and did were.....
Heck, you may even come to find that she's not the one for you and may find someone else. 3 months may seem like a long time in high school, but in real life, it's not very long. And keeping in mind the majority of high school sweet hearts don't stay together after high school... (though I'm currently proof of the opposite) ;D
Just things to keep in mind.
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 03, 2012, 08:18:13 PM
Just things to keep in mind.
Haha thanks DT (: Well the
things were doing were fooling around , we didn't have sex . I'm not stupid enough to have sex right now and neither is she , phew lol :P but I am stupid for fooling around anyway when I knew the consequences -_- I'll keep what you said in mind . She may not be the one , but then again she might be aha . However we are currently very strong in the relationship and I think things will improve as time progresses , According to my scientific calculations. jk. lol.
Quote from: God-I-Suck on July 03, 2012, 10:18:03 PMbut I am stupid for fooling around anyway
Wait seriously? That's what you did? Why is that an issue? That's what teenagers do isn't it? It's harmless... It's certainly not a cause for you to not see eachother. If her parents are strict and don't want you fooling around, then they shouldn't let you hang out in a bedroom alone. There are things that parents can do to keep an eye on their kids. Honestly, it just feels like lazy parenting.
Of course, I don't have a daughter at this point. I may be the kind of dad who would have brought out my shotgun before you even got through the door...
Either way, if I were you, I wouldn't feel bad. I would be upset that you got caught... but the fact that you did it is not the issue. Actually, I wish I could give you a high five. But yea, just wait out the summer and hang out with friends, but don't feel bad about this. Or if you find another girl with more lenient parents then you can hang out with her instead (just kidding...)
Quote from: Lingus on July 05, 2012, 08:46:03 PM
Quote from: God-I-Suck on July 03, 2012, 10:18:03 PMbut I am stupid for fooling around anyway
Wait seriously? That's what you did? Why is that an issue? That's what teenagers do isn't it? It's harmless... It's certainly not a cause for you to not see eachother. If her parents are strict and don't want you fooling around, then they shouldn't let you hang out in a bedroom alone. There are things that parents can do to keep an eye on their kids. Honestly, it just feels like lazy parenting.
Lmao Lingus you kill me.. However that may be true but the thing is we broke a rule to be alone . The mother had no idea we were together at the time . Also, I took her word not to fool around like that so early in the relationship, but guess what ? I disrespected all of her rules. Not only that but she did so much for me and treated me like I was a part of the family.. At the time I was too stupid to realize what I had, and now it's gone.
Honestly it seems like the whole thing might blow over. Her parents might realize they are being a little hard on you and might give you a second chance. But of course I've never met them so I could be wrong... :-\ Maybe you could try sitting down and talking with them? Just a suggestion. Hope everything works out for you.
Seems to me like a clear cut case of the ol' hand in the cookie jar. There was a rule, you broke said rule, you got caught, now you're facing the consequences. What can you do other than apologize and wait until you're allowed to eat cookies again? I mean, other than taking Lingus's advice of finding another batch of cookies and EATING THEM ALL. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqL7jyrXhLs)
Quote from: Lingus on July 05, 2012, 08:46:03 PM
Quote from: God-I-Suck on July 03, 2012, 10:18:03 PMbut I am stupid for fooling around anyway
Wait seriously? That's what you did? Why is that an issue? That's what teenagers do isn't it? It's harmless... It's certainly not a cause for you to not see eachother. If her parents are strict and don't want you fooling around, then they shouldn't let you hang out in a bedroom alone. There are things that parents can do to keep an eye on their kids. Honestly, it just feels like lazy parenting.
Of course, I don't have a daughter at this point. I may be the kind of dad who would have brought out my shotgun before you even got through the door...
Either way, if I were you, I wouldn't feel bad. I would be upset that you got caught... but the fact that you did it is not the issue. Actually, I wish I could give you a high five. But yea, just wait out the summer and hang out with friends, but don't feel bad about this. Or if you find another girl with more lenient parents then you can hang out with her instead (just kidding...)
No Lingus!! It'll be like a gateway drug, fooling around will lead to naughtier things!! lol. But let's keep in mind he also
said things too. Which could have been far more inappropriate :P
also, lmao @ Lucifer's response.
Quote from: stick d00d on July 05, 2012, 10:41:10 PM
Honestly it seems like the whole thing might blow over. Her parents might realize they are being a little hard on you and might give you a second chance. But of course I've never met them so I could be wrong... :-\ Maybe you could try sitting down and talking with them? Just a suggestion. Hope everything works out for you.
I came across the idea of talking with the mom (the father doesn't care really) and I wouldn't know what to say lol. Honestly just the thought of looking them in the face again is scary |: thank you (:
Quote from: Lucifer on July 05, 2012, 10:46:13 PM
Seems to me like a clear cut case of the ol' hand in the cookie jar. There was a rule, you broke said rule, you got caught, now you're facing the consequences. What can you do other than apologize and wait until you're allowed to eat cookies again? I mean, other than taking Lingus's advice of finding another batch of cookies and EATING THEM ALL. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqL7jyrXhLs)
Haha , I've tried different ways of trying to forget about it but it always seems to come back to me /: I wish I was better as these kind of things lol.
Quote from: God-I-Suck on July 03, 2012, 10:18:03 PM
I'm not stupid enough to have sex right now and neither is she
Quote from: God-I-Suck on July 03, 2012, 10:18:03 PM
stupid enough to have sex right now
Out of all that was said, this sentence is what mind****s me the most.
Quote from: God-I-Suck on July 05, 2012, 11:15:21 PM
I came across the idea of talking with the mom (the father doesn't care really) and I wouldn't know what to say lol. Honestly just the thought of looking them in the face again is scary |: thank you (:
Say you're sorry about what happened, promise it won't happen again, ask for honest forgiveness and walk away happy.
Things will probably heal with time, no loving mother or father can hold a grudge for too long.
As for your friends, you should ask what you did wrong. Maybe they have good reasons to be drifting away. Not trying to fix things will only make you feel worse.
Well, at the age he is and the rate of teen pregnancy right now, I'd say it better to wait. But that's from a female's perspective. And unless you're in a very comitted relationship, I woulnd trust a female who says she's on birth control. Or a girl that gets pregnant and says her birth control failed; no, she failed. You also dunno if they have diseases. So hey, I say waiting is a good thing.
This would take quite a bit of balls to do(imo), but you could always just sit down with her and her family and sincerely apologize to them. You should tell them how you honestly feel, and if you think its a good idea, ask them for a second chance afterwards. I think that apologizing in-front of her whole family would maybe show them how serious you are.
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 06, 2012, 02:19:16 PM
Well, at the age he is and the rate of teen pregnancy right now, I'd say it better to wait. But that's from a female's perspective. And unless you're in a very comitted relationship, I woulnd trust a female who says she's on birth control. Or a girl that gets pregnant and says her birth control failed; no, she failed. You also dunno if they have diseases. So hey, I say waiting is a good thing.
Not only that but I am respecting their culture and religion of sex after marriage, it's no bother to me really. We both agreed to it.
Quote from: DR4N3 on July 06, 2012, 10:20:46 AM
Quote from: God-I-Suck on July 05, 2012, 11:15:21 PM
I came across the idea of talking with the mom (the father doesn't care really) and I wouldn't know what to say lol. Honestly just the thought of looking them in the face again is scary |: thank you (:
Say you're sorry about what happened, promise it won't happen again, ask for honest forgiveness and walk away happy.
Things will probably heal with time, no loving mother or father can hold a grudge for too long.
As for your friends, you should ask what you did wrong. Maybe they have good reasons to be drifting away. Not trying to fix things will only make you feel worse.
Quote from: Titan on July 06, 2012, 07:20:05 PM
This would take quite a bit of balls to do(imo), but you could always just sit down with her and her family and sincerely apologize to them. You should tell them how you honestly feel, and if you think its a good idea, ask them for a second chance afterwards. I think that apologizing in-front of her whole family would maybe show them how serious you are.
Now that you guys have been bringing this up I have been giving it some thought.. Not everyone in their family knows about what happened, I would say about a third of them know. Although I am scared out of my mind to see them again I just want to set things straight, but is this the way I should do it? Haha I wish I had a really close parent friend I could talk to about this . I will definitely put this into deep thought... That's what I do best :p
Thank you guys for the advice.
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 06, 2012, 02:19:16 PM
Well, at the age he is and the rate of teen pregnancy right now, I'd say it better to wait. But that's from a female's perspective. And unless you're in a very comitted relationship, I woulnd trust a female who says she's on birth control. Or a girl that gets pregnant and says her birth control failed; no, she failed. You also dunno if they have diseases. So hey, I say waiting is a good thing.
Condoms.
Quote from: God-I-Suck on July 06, 2012, 10:23:43 PM
I just want to set things straight
If you ever get scared for any reason, just remember this: Setting things straight. Wish you all the luck in the world bro, hope it all goes well for you.
Even if talking to them fails to change anything, at least you tried man. Then you will know if it's time to move on or not.
Man your still
In school just keep trying if you have to I know it might be scary but go sit down with the parents and let them know how you fill I promise they will respect that I really do recommend trying that lol let me know how it goes
Quote from: DR4N3 on July 07, 2012, 06:06:48 AM
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 06, 2012, 02:19:16 PM
Well, at the age he is and the rate of teen pregnancy right now, I'd say it better to wait. But that's from a female's perspective. And unless you're in a very comitted relationship, I woulnd trust a female who says she's on birth control. Or a girl that gets pregnant and says her birth control failed; no, she failed. You also dunno if they have diseases. So hey, I say waiting is a good thing.
Condoms.
They can break. A lot of guys don't like wearing them.
Quote from: DR4N3 on July 07, 2012, 06:06:48 AM
If you ever get scared for any reason, just remember this: Setting things straight. Wish you all the luck in the world bro, hope it all goes well for you.
Quote from: stick d00d on July 07, 2012, 04:30:20 PM
Even if talking to them fails to change anything, at least you tried man. Then you will know if it's time to move on or not.
Quote from: havok on July 07, 2012, 06:23:32 PM
Man your still
In school just keep trying if you have to I know it might be scary but go sit down with the parents and let them know how you fill I promise they will respect that I really do recommend trying that lol let me know how it goes
I am definitely considering this . Although it has been over month since the incident occurred I think it may be a good idea to apologize to the family . Thanks for the help guys (:
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 08, 2012, 12:23:10 PM
Quote from: DR4N3 on July 07, 2012, 06:06:48 AM
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 06, 2012, 02:19:16 PM
Well, at the age he is and the rate of teen pregnancy right now, I'd say it better to wait. But that's from a female's perspective. And unless you're in a very comitted relationship, I woulnd trust a female who says she's on birth control. Or a girl that gets pregnant and says her birth control failed; no, she failed. You also dunno if they have diseases. So hey, I say waiting is a good thing.
Condoms.
They can break. A lot of guys don't like wearing them.
Awh yeah raw doggin' it ;) ;) ;)
But in all seriousness, wear condoms guys, my girlfriend told me she didn't like when I used them and the next thing I know she goes on this two month lie about how she was pregnant, scary stuff.
Quote from: Twinky on July 08, 2012, 01:01:37 PM
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 08, 2012, 12:23:10 PM
Quote from: DR4N3 on July 07, 2012, 06:06:48 AM
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 06, 2012, 02:19:16 PM
Well, at the age he is and the rate of teen pregnancy right now, I'd say it better to wait. But that's from a female's perspective. And unless you're in a very comitted relationship, I woulnd trust a female who says she's on birth control. Or a girl that gets pregnant and says her birth control failed; no, she failed. You also dunno if they have diseases. So hey, I say waiting is a good thing.
Condoms.
They can break. A lot of guys don't like wearing them.
Awh yeah raw doggin' it ;) ;) ;)
But in all seriousness, wear condoms guys, my girlfriend told me she didn't like when I used them and the next thing I know she goes on this two month lie about how she was pregnant, scary stuff.
Lol. Shoulda asked to see the pregnancy test!
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 08, 2012, 11:28:35 PM
Quote from: Twinky on July 08, 2012, 01:01:37 PM
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 08, 2012, 12:23:10 PM
Quote from: DR4N3 on July 07, 2012, 06:06:48 AM
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 06, 2012, 02:19:16 PM
Well, at the age he is and the rate of teen pregnancy right now, I'd say it better to wait. But that's from a female's perspective. And unless you're in a very comitted relationship, I woulnd trust a female who says she's on birth control. Or a girl that gets pregnant and says her birth control failed; no, she failed. You also dunno if they have diseases. So hey, I say waiting is a good thing.
Condoms.
They can break. A lot of guys don't like wearing them.
Awh yeah raw doggin' it ;) ;) ;)
But in all seriousness, wear condoms guys, my girlfriend told me she didn't like when I used them and the next thing I know she goes on this two month lie about how she was pregnant, scary stuff.
Lol. Shoulda asked to see the pregnancy test!
I know right, she said her dad's girlfriend was going to take her to a clinic on a day I wasn't at school, and when she was supposedly gone my friend texted me and told me she was there.
She isn't a very good liar, but if I ever tried to bring it up again, she'd turn the whole thing on me.
Its okay, I love her anyway.Why am I so whipped.DT save me </3
I concur with those who have advised you to apologize and submit to the agreement her mother laid out for you. Given the amount of time that has passed and the relative non-severity of your crime, I suspect your fear and apprehension surrounding the incident is likely an emotional overreaction. Considering that she is your girlfriend, that's understandable, but if I'm right (and you're the only one who can know your own mental state for sure) it will help your thinking if you're aware of it. With regards to a sit-down apology session, I think it may be unnecessary, but I would ask for the opinion of your friend. He knows how his family thinks of you better than you do. Make no mistake, if you haven't already told her Mom you're willing to weather through the summer like she wants, you need to do that. Allow me to explain why.
From my understanding, the matter at hand is not so much something you've done or said, but that you broke a rule that you had both agreed on. From Mom's perspective it's gone something like this, I think:
Boy wants to date my daughter.
What is he like? Is he acceptable?Okay.
Does he share our values? Is he willing to put what is best for our daughter before his own temporary interests? He says so.
Is he willing to accept a rule set designed both to guard her and to prove his own interest in the same? Yes.
This is where the incident occurs.
He broke the rules. Is our daughter seriously hurt? No.
But he broke the rules. Yes he did.
The rules he agreed to follow to show us that he was willing to put our daughter first and prove his sincerity to her parents.
But I guess he didn't have the commitment to obey them. No, he didn't.
What else doesn't he have the commitment to stick with?
What other boundaries might he cross, in time?
Now we'll never know if I'm right about that or not because we don't have mind-reading, but if I am, that all happened pretty much subconsciously. Oh yeah, if her Mom says no contact, you probably shouldn't keep trying to contact her. The Mom will see it as proof against anything you tell her about being willing to wait. As was said before, actions speak louder than words. Especially where trust is concerned.
The good news is that if you can keep your cool and still navigate this out, your relationship with the girl and her family will be made the stronger and more resilient for it. Of course, if you find a better girl over the summer and dump her, it won't matter. I wouldn't recommend that.
Twinky you're funny lol
Quote from: Jackabomb on July 09, 2012, 02:45:25 AM
I concur with those who have advised you to apologize and submit to the agreement her mother laid out for you. Given the amount of time that has passed and the relative non-severity of your crime, I suspect your fear and apprehension surrounding the incident is likely an emotional overreaction. Considering that she is your girlfriend, that's understandable, but if I'm right (and you're the only one who can know your own mental state for sure) it will help your thinking if you're aware of it. With regards to a sit-down apology session, I think it may be unnecessary, but I would ask for the opinion of your friend. He knows how his family thinks of you better than you do. Make no mistake, if you haven't already told her Mom you're willing to weather through the summer like she wants, you need to do that. Allow me to explain why.
Jackabomb, you really got me contemplating my decision even further . I admire your advice and how you laid it out. You prove some good points and bring me intriguing ideas. First I want to say, her mother and I both know the severity of my crime. We feel that what I have done has destroyed many relationships. She even said herself, when she called me after she found what my girlfriend and I have been doing, that she cried. It made her cry because she thought I was different than other guys in terms of the sexual things. Yeah, I was pretty much a son to her and I betrayed her. After hearing that of course I broke into tears because something like that is forbidden to be heard. At that point I was scarred and didn't know what to do.. And neither do I now.
You hit the nail on the head with the Mom's perspective. Everything you said seems to be in her criteria. Also, while my girlfriend and I were still talking before her mom cut all communication - my girlfriend told me I should keep in touch with her mom and check in every once in a while. I don't know about you guys, but that just doesn't seem to be the right thing to do..? However, she does know her own mother more than anyone.. What do you guys think? One thing that still confuses me about this whole thing is her mom said to me right before she cut all communication was, "I hope to see you at the beginning of the school year." Or something along those lines. It seems to me she still has faith in me? How is this possible ?
The main reason why I want to apologize is not to be able to talk to my girlfriend again, but to give them a spiel as you will of how much they mean to me and I truly care about them. It may be late but I want to get this crap off of my chest. Part of me doesn't want to go all summer with no trace of me to be heard of from them - the other part does. I feel as if I don't talk to them, they will never forgive me in the future. One the other hand, spilling out my feelings for them could be the wrong move.. But how the heck will I know for sure ? /:
Thanks for your time Jackabomb , I really appreciate it !
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 08, 2012, 12:23:10 PM
Quote from: DR4N3 on July 07, 2012, 06:06:48 AM
Quote from: DarkTrinity on July 06, 2012, 02:19:16 PM
Well, at the age he is and the rate of teen pregnancy right now, I'd say it better to wait. But that's from a female's perspective. And unless you're in a very comitted relationship, I woulnd trust a female who says she's on birth control. Or a girl that gets pregnant and says her birth control failed; no, she failed. You also dunno if they have diseases. So hey, I say waiting is a good thing.
Condoms.
They can break. A lot of guys don't like wearing them.
Very rarely. They should get over it. Or they can just go with self control. It's not that hard to hold it.
And in a stable realtionship, they could just go take a test to see if they got any diseases.
I'm all good with him wating and all, but saying having sex at that age is stupid sounds a like he doens't know much about protection and stuff.
Quote from: DR4N3 on July 09, 2012, 07:15:26 AM
I'm all good with him wating and all, but saying having sex at that age is stupid sounds a like he doens't know much about protection and stuff.
Oh no , I do . The reason I said "I'm not stupid enough" is because I know both her and my morals and respect our parents decision when they say no sex. Besides we're both very young and we want to wait until we're older and more deep in the relationship. Anyone can have sex whenever they want I won't judge but in my case it would be stupid. If I were a parent I would encourage my children to use protection. Not say "no sex" altogether.
From what I've read GIS you seem like a very mature, responsible person for your age. I really do hope all goes well for you and her parents see (at least from what I've seen you post) that you are a good person and didn't mean any real harm in what you did.
Quote from: stick d00d on July 09, 2012, 01:49:12 PM
From what I've read GIS you seem like a very mature, responsible person for your age. I really do hope all goes well for you and her parents see (at least from what I've seen you post) that you are a good person and didn't mean any real harm in what you did.
Thank you very much (: the year 2012 has been the most life changing year for me . It opened my eyes to a lot of things . I came to realize all of my mistakes , this is the kind of change all teenagers need honestly.
My parents let me and my siblings be alone with the opposite sex in our rooms and don't seem to care. But if the mother is the one who's really against it and giving you chance to make amends for next school year, just take it and be more careful. You have to be aware a lot can happen over the summer, where she could find someone else. So you can't contact her by anything? Social networking site, phone, meet up by mall are some suggestions as its a good thing to keep in contact.